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design dland again A year ago, I moved away. I've been thinking about it lately. About my crappy apartment that I love to death, about the sounds I hear at night, the sounds I make at night, the distance between where I am now and where I was. A whole year. I live a whole year away. I haven't been good at all about keeping in touch with anyone. I never was, never am. Something hit me, after I moved up here. After I met F, everything changed. He really woke me up to the universe. He really showed me that there is so much out there to see, so much to do, so much power in each individual life. He's incredible, and honestly I wouldn't want anyone else. I love him. He is the reason I live on every day, he is the reason I'm looking for an answer, looking for direction, he helps give me that. I broke up with Jason because I thought I had cheated on him. I honestly did. I thought I kissed F, and had gone to far, which in places is true. I kissed his neck, his cheeks, I gave myself to him where it was not up to me. But that's not true. It was up to me, it was always up to me. I decided to be deceitful and spent time after dark with F rather than talk with Jason, who never liked talking with me until I was away. F calls me once in a while, still, and talks to me about everything. I have to admit that I have been trained into my past relationship. I was very used to not being noticed, to being on the sidelines, to not doing anything extremely important. Well, I need to abandon these old tasks. Just as I am a new person, with new ideas and on a new track, I need a new set of habits and outlooks. I get so scared sometimes about F. I get these feelings that he is disappointed in me, that I'm not being the girlfriend he wished for. Sometimes I forget whether or not I said Thank You or if I did the right thing. I never had to worry about that with Jason. I never had to think about how my actions were affecting him. He was complacent with anything I did. But the problem there was the lackthereof, he didn't care at all. This is evident in the choice of his new girlfriend, a girl who is probably very similar to me when we first started dating. She is young, and doesn't realize that he is going nowhere. I have the right to say this. I gave him an opportunity, I gave him help, and money, and motivation, to succeed in a new place. But as soon as I'm gone, he fails his classes, moves back into the same old life, with the same old kind of girlfriend. I'm proud that I had the knowledge and consideration for my own life to change what I was doing. I'm proud of the people who helped me see that the world was much bigger than two people. Even if they matter the most. There is so much more. So I have no regret. I have an ache, however, for the safety of my old friendships, and for Jason. Not romantically, but this ache, the things he could have been. I almost wish that he goes on to do amazing things. I think that would make me the most proud. If he finally sees that he must grow up and help the world in some way. I guess I consider myself to always be radically better than him because of the differences in upbringing and the situations that we have gone through over the past couple of months. I have endured tremendous loneliness and no doubt has he, as well. So has F. We have another semester to do of it. I honestly don't want to go back to Bozeman. I think its kind of special that Forrest's mom can just leave, that she's not fixed into a position, that she can always be close. Whereas my parents are a year away. I love Forrest, and I truly did love Jason. He was my best friend, he was my follower, supporter, he was there for me when I was scared of the future. The only problem was he had nothing to add to it. So, I suppose I wish them luck. I suppose they will be happy together for a time, until one of them sees the things I saw on a dark road in the middle of the night, and the world opens up to them. But I wonder if this happens to most people, or just a few rare souls. Its not a religious experience, just an awakening. Now I must get the right habits. |
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